In Seattle, something which made me gloriously happy was cooking in my kitchen. Today I baked for Coco's party, hoping for similar deep satisfaction, but it eluded me. In Seattle, walking in the Arboretum fed the depths of my soul. Yesterday, I walked in the Melbourne Botanical Gardens, hoping for the same, but it was not to be. It leaves me feeling bereft, these unfulfilled secret longings that I don't realise I have until they are not satiated.
This, perhaps, shall be lovely, for us, and for you, my dear:
White Chocolate Mousse Cake
(From 'Chocolate - Australian Gourmet Traveller')
150gm chopped butter
150gm dark chocolate, chopped
1 cup bakers' (caster) sugar
1 cup self rising flour
1/2 cup plain flour
1/4 cup coco
(Powdered sugar, for dusting)
White Chocolate Mousse (I made this for Thanksgiving ... MMMMMM)
150gm lovely white chocolate (buy more as you'll nibble...if you are at all like me!), chopped
60gm chopped unsalted butter
1 egga separated
200ml thickened cream
La Mousse - in a double boiler melt the chocolate and butter, cool, whisk in egga yolka, keep whiskin', meanwhile whip la creme until peaks form and fold it into the chocybuttery delight. Cover and refrigerate until JUST firm...
Le gateau - in a double boiler, combine butter, choc,sugar and milk, cool, add flours and coco, eggs one at a time, pour into greased and base lined 22cm round cake tin and bake at 160 degrees Celcius for 75 minutes or until cake tester is clean....
Split hofizontally and place bottom half in a 22cm springform pan (thanks Mum for that!) spread with the mousse, pop on the top and refrigerate!
Please pray for Eowyn and Coco as they start school - we are hoping our new school community will be a place where we can make good friendships. I always feel a little nervous when I expect too much socially from people. I want to get that balance right between being too eager and too nonchalant. I put an ad on the noticeboard and in the school newsletter to see if there are people interested in joining a writing group, not dissimilar to my wonderful, irreplacable Seattle writing group.
The anti-depressants are making me quite relaxed, which is a looooovely change.
It was beautiful, though there was some resistance to coming home, and somebody got very cranky with her children!
The experience of working as a midwife at Epworth Hospital was not what I had expected - caring for women just after their c-section births, some who were bleeding, and caring for their vulnerable little babies, brought me back to the terrible fears of giving birth to Eowyn, thinking she had died, then realising they were battling for my life and that I would probably die. I am very thankful for my life, and Eowyn's life, for God's care for us.
When Cosette was born, she was taken straight to neonatal intensive care, and it was very distressing for me to be separated from her.
I have decided not to continue working as a midwife and a nurse. There's so much on my plate right now, adapting to a culture I had expected to feel familiar, which is actually very strange. One day I hope to work through my birthing experiences in a healing way, but not yet. I'm going to go on the dole, and look for a job which inspires me, which utilises my gifts, creativity and initiative, and in which I can shine.
Hello! I am feeling very homesick for Seattle today. Here are Eowyn and Coco, surrounded by lovely friends at dear Karen's home. I didn't expect the grief and sadness and longing for Seattlishness to last for so long. I started on anti-depressants today. The doctor had me fill out a questionnaire, and it made me realise how hard the December and January have been.
It is windy as can be today! I love the wind. "I listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul. Where I'll end up well I think only God really knows..."
I'm experiencing depression - ironically, the last time this happened was when Bens and I moved to the Seattle area, 9 years ago. Big changes ... I wanted to tell the lovely little community of people who read my blog about this. I am going to a doctor on Friday, hopefully she will be able to prescribe me some anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicines. The depression when we moved to Seattle got better when I went over to New York and spent a week with Tom and Anita, and when we moved into Cerin Amroth, the mansion overlooking the Cascades, and when I started the job at the pregnancy resource center, and when I found out I was pregnant with Eowyn. It is hope inspiring to know it goes away in the end. Things I usually love, such as writing and reading and taking photographs, I just am not doing. Ouch
I start work tomorrow as a midwife on the postnatal ward at Epworth Freemasons' Hospital, East Melbourne. Our alarum is set for 5am. FIVE AM! Good grief! I'm scary to encounter at 5am. I don't think the alarum will sound. I'll awaken at 8 or 9, and be super late. How does anybody awaken at 5am? And the day after that, too! And the day after that!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH